Any pronouns. 33.

Professional developer and amateur gardener located near Atlanta, GA in the USA.

I’m using a new phone keyboard, please forgive typos.

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Cake day: June 13th, 2023

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  • The worse things get in my life the more I feel like this. I believe it’s a consequence of being raised Christian. (Though I am an atheist now.) When I was younger I believed God never gives you more than you can handle. So when things got bad it felt like God was breaking that promise. Now that I’m older it feels like “bad writing.” Like, really? This many bad things in such a short time period? It’s a little on the nose, isn’t it? It’s why I can’t rewatch I saw the TV Glow until I know I am in a very stable mental place.

    Major spoilers

    The main characters enjoyed a TV show that got cancelled on a cliff hanger. It is revealed that the characters are actually characters from that show which is reality and the false reality is the world they’re stuck in. To get back to the true world they have to bury themselves alive.

    I saw this movie right in the heels of Trump’s inauguration when I had a lot of other stress going on. Naturally, a movie with 4th wall breaking lines like “Do you ever feel like your life is a TV show?” when I did feel like my life was scripted and the way for them to get out was suicide was pretty terrifying.

    The irony being that I have been going through a bit of a gender journey for a while and knew the movie had themes to do with that, but none of that really hot anywhere close to home as the rest mentioned above. I’m just glad I planned to see it surrounded by friends.

    The idea that there’s an escape hatch on reality is so alluring. The idea that all the bad things in your life are the fault of one person, even if they’re a metaphysical entity, is so appealing. The sad reality is that it’s all random and sometimes we just get unlucky streaks.








  • I personally don’t bother worrying too much about things we can’t prove or disprove like that, but it’s important to remember that just because we can’t prove something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. My philosophy is that if there is some sort of beyond that whatever is out there is similar enough to ours that they’d be able to empathize with the decisions I make and judge me accordingly, assuming there even would be some sort of judgement process. I’m at peace with it. I was raised evangelical, and lots of my friends were. One of my atheist friends used to have nightmares about an eternity in hell. I don’t think anyone who loves us could do that. And if whatever is there is different enough that our decisions don’t matter then it’s arbitrary anyways and there’s no sense worrying. It’s not about “being okay with an amoral god.” It’s just an acknowledgement that the idea of a reality we can’t prove further than our own could exist.

    But anyone making definitive statements about something like that shouldn’t be trusted. Which rules out pretty much all religions because many make claims like that.