The best advice I can give is to make it as easy as possible for them to talk to you. Try to be as perceptive as you can. I’ve been in a lot of similar situations, and when I could tell something was definitely wrong, I eventually realized there were better approaches than asking, “Is everything okay?” I started saying things like, “What’s wrong, and how can I help?” instead. That kind of phrasing made it easier for them to see that I wasn’t just checking whether they wanted to talk - I genuinely wanted to talk about it with them.
Try not to overdo it though, especially at first. Let them keep whatever they want to themselves. Leading by example can be helpful too. If they ask you whether something’s wrong and it’s something small you don’t need to talk about, kindly tell them you’d rather not talk about it. It might seem obvious to you that you can acknowledge something’s wrong without having to open up immediately, but it might not be obvious to them. And you can always explain it later if you want to.
It’s also important to remember there’s a reason they avoid things. If they know they’re the avoidant type, see whether they’re also the type who’d want to figure out why, together. Maybe they’ll even want to help you figure out why you tend to overshare (beyond the ADHD). That’s important too. Let them reciprocate the help as much as possible.
Again, try not to overdo any of this. It’s a delicate balance. You will overstep sometimes, and you may have to be the one who notices that as well. When you think you might have overwhelmed them, give them some space. That’ll probably be more helpful than an immediate apology. You should apologize eventually, but only once they’re no longer overwhelmed. That’s also a good time to show them you’re not just sorry. You genuinely want to get better at being there for them in the way that works best for them.
No problem. It’s definitely gonna be a challenge, and trying to meet midway is a good mindset to have. The two of you are gonna have to meet somewhere in the middle for the relationship to work. I’ve usually had to put in a bit more effort in my experiences. I guess it’s just been easier for me to hold back than it is for an avoidant type to open up. And I feel like that makes a lot of sense.
I never really felt much anxiety from holding back. It’s always been the “Did I go too far?” kind of thoughts that get scary for me. For her, opening up and facing things head on is probably gonna be really scary. And what you said about it being easier if you see effort from her is 100% true, but effort is also gonna go unnoticed sometimes for both of you. For example, she might be in the habit right now of not putting any thought into telling you about something small that’s upsetting her. If that’s the case, then just getting to a point where that crosses her mind will take effort. Stuff like that can go unnoticed really easily. The only real chance you’d have to notice it is if you pick up that something’s off and it comes up later when you’re both talking about it.
One other thing worth mentioning is how important it’s gonna be for you to figure out how to react to any noticeable progress she makes, especially in the moment. If she doesn’t like being the center of attention, there’s a good chance that making a big deal out of her opening up will end up having a negative effect. I’ve always found it best to just listen at first. Thanking her for talking to you at some point might be all the acknowledgement she needs. You also might wanna ask if she wants any help, or if she wants your opinion at all. It took me a little too long to realize that someone doesn’t automatically want help just because they’re telling me about something.
Try to be the best listener you can. The progress she makes is gonna make her feel extremely vulnerable. You’ll never be able to fully understand what that vulnerability feels like, and that’s okay. My mindset has always been to try as hard as I can to fully understand, while keeping in mind that I never will.