I’m going to have to download an app to use my zippers, aren’t I?

De Beers did it with diamond engagement rings as well.

I’ve always been afraid of being killed by a drunk driver, or dying while at work. Now both of those things can happen at the same time.

If this is another attempt to get me to stare into a laser, I’m going to say “Fool me once.”

No volume, vibrate, led, or push notifications. If you want my attention badly enough, call. And I will screen the call and text you back at my convenience. I will not be on a leash. Now excuse me while I doomscroll for 2 to 17 hours.

It’s the worst day to be on the internet.

I don’t doubt it, so I’m drinking my fill while I can.

A slideshow would be great when my hands are full of toys

All I use reddit for is porn now, so the ads are really easy to spot. Like if I see someone trying to show me tupperware when I was just looking at goth girls and femboys, I know to keep scrolling.

Haven’t you heard? Autocracy is all the rage these days. Just where have you been, darling?