Alright, so you probably can’t get rid of it, but you can make it look like it’s defective. Make it look like it’s sending way too many false positives. Find somewhere where you can get away with making obvious mistakes and then make like fifty of them in a row. “Why would I, an intelligent human being, just sit in the middle of an empty street doing donuts in an 18-wheeler for 10 straight minutes? I have a job to do,” you say. If you got one of those “constantly monitoring everything you say” things Amazon tried rolling out, just start spouting random gibberish. Some pencil-pusher at HQ sees a transcript come back that just says “reptile shoestring meridian front sawdust henway ball Amtrak septuagint ladder correct horse battery staple java thorpe 2 Chainz” over and over for like 40 pages, worst-case scenario he’s not gonna read it, best-case scenario he’s gonna think the company’s paying way too much for shit that don’t work.

They spell it out under their FAQ but I doubt that’s legally binding

How much food and what is it?

…Did we mention it doubles as a convenient dumping ground for mob snitches?

in case you want to self-host your own algae, I guess

“Frank, are you saying ‘soul’ or ‘hole’?”

well duh, that’s how they built the pyramids

Motherfucker looks like he sleeps in a space blanket and knows a lot about the Magna Carta.

“Hale and well-met, everybody.”

“Nørmr!”

“What would you say to an ale, there, Nørmr?”

“I’d say ‘Make peace with the spirits of your ancestors, for you shall soon greet them in Valhalla.’”

if anything they’ve reopened their account with Master Don

“You there, on the motorcycle! Sell me one of your melons!”

Seems like everyone’s been getting that noise lately. I’m on my third.

I think I’m gonna head on down to the Bong Recreation Area and take the Green Trail for a while if you know what I mean

(I mean I’m going to take a scenic nature walk in one of Wisconsin’s beautiful state parks, what the hell did you think I meant?)

“We’ve erected a 3-kilometer-long tied-arch bridge so people can get into and out of the Superior bay area quicker and easier, and we’ll be dedicating it to World War II pilot Richard Bong.”

“Okay, what are you calling it?”

“Right now we’ve got ‘Dick Bong’s Long, Curvaceous Erection for the Repeated Entering and Exiting of a Wet Superior Inlet.’”

“…We’ll workshop it.”

Where on earth would you find a wall on a road with a fotorealistic continuation of the road printed on it?

Spoken like a man who has never relentlessly pursued a roadrunner, nor taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

“If these devices were, as previously believed, implements in some sort of ancient ‘throwing game’, I can only assume this to be the result of a misguided attempt to play the sport on horseback or, heaven forbid, to teach the horse to play the game itself. Truly, our ancestors were a primitive people.”

Horseshoes would probably be pretty confusing, actually. Figuring out sans context that this weird metal crescent was supposed to be nailed onto an animal’s hoof would be a feat on its own, but add on people hanging them up as decoration out of superstition or just, like, throwing them, especially in places where there aren’t any damn horses, that’s really gonna muddy the waters.

My vote’s for either vacuum cleaner attachments or old batteries. I barely know the appropriate uses and contexts for all these vacuum cleaner attachments, some future guy with presumably no foreknowledge of our culture or lifestyle doesn’t stand a chance. And if we’re far enough in the future that no record of our way of life remains, I don’t care how much they keep going and going, those Energizers are gonna be dead, and these archaeologists are gonna all be scratching their heads trying to figure out why we have so many random metal cylinders in all different sizes that are, at best, completely inert, and at worst leaking caustic sludge.

This has happened enough times that the euphemism for piracy in my household has become “renting a film from my man in Bangladesh”

Who Sun-Tans the Sun-Tanner?

I would argue that the one that exploded over DC last month had almost certainly ceased to be a plane by the time it hit the ground.