A space ship descends and lands outside my door, and and a benevolent Alien pops out and hands me a 512 MB USB stick.

“I crafted this for your species, and made sure it’s compatible with your hardware standards. It contains the sum total knowledge of all life in the universe and can be used to accelerate your species to the next plane of existence.”

I thank him tearfully and he departs with a warm smile, ascending back up into the soon-to-be-knowable cosmos from when he came.

I plug the stick into my machine, and check out the directory. Inside are two files:

 105 MB   knowledge.tar.piidx
 328 KB   README.txt

I open up the readme file to learn more about the PIIDX file format so that I can uncompress the sum total knowledge of all existence. General gist:

• Uses a compression algorithm with an infinite dictionary based on prime numbers
• Uses a storage/retrieval algorithm based on the digits of Pi

Realise quickly that the file will never be opened in my lifetime

Nice text

because one egg is one egg?
because one egg is an oath?

what am I missing here?

curiosity

“Better to send a robot to Mars, than a cat” my papi used to say

seek medical aid

sheer

Oof, right in the balls.

• blood is thicker than water - true
• blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb - also true

Overall blood is pretty gloopy and goes down pretty well on spaghetti

Empty if they came from someone who didn’t spend every moment of his being encouraging children and adults alike to be their best selves. It’s Mr Rogers. I read it in his voice. His words hit me right in the balls and made me keel over breathless.

Extremely relevant:
Bo Burnham - 1985

looming threat of nuclear annihilation

Thank god the Republicans are ushering in a new era of children working mines